travel and rhum

As silly as it sounds, I grew up extremely insecure about my non-athleticism and overall non-outdoorsiness growing up. I grew up in an immigrant Pakistani household in the midwest, with parents who both worked super hard in their post-graduate career fields, and although we'd occasionally take family vacations driving through the mountains on our way to visit family members in other states, we never actually did anything outdoorsy. Just stop at the side of the road, take some pictures, and move along.

I knew I always wanted to hike, camp, and actually explore the wilderness, but being in the midwest made it pretty much impossible. Though, that's still not the biggest thing that held me back my whole life though–I know for a fact it's because from a young age, I internalized that outdoor communities were majority white, and as a POC I never felt comfortable even trying to enter one (also, again, I lived in the midwest. But I could have tried.) I also happened to go a suburban all-white school district which didn't help the rampant internalized racism and self-consciousness, never truly feeling welcome in mostly-white spaces. Never joining school sports teams or extracurriculars because of the fear of being the only POC in those groups. I was always outside looking in, and living vicariously through books and movies.

I think people from immigrant households can all mostly relate that our parents placed a big emphasis on education but not recreation. Though yes, I was always playing in backyards with friends, I got to spend time at playgrounds, and I had tons of indoor toys, videogames, books, and hobbies to keep me entertained, I didn't realize how much I was missing out on.

It wasn't until my sorta-early 20's I discovered rock climbing. My internalized racism, though mostly eradicated due to a great, diverse college experience, started to flare up. I was no longer the awkward singular POC in a group of middle or high schooler who didn't belong and didn't have an athletic bone in my body. I was way more confident and self-assured this time around. I forced myself into a climbing gym against all my learned instincts screaming at me that I don't belong because I was so curious, and the rest has been history.

Since then, I've made amazing outdoors friends and moved out of the midwest. I find that the outdoors communities in other areas in the country tend to be far more diverse, but truth be told, the internet still pretty much depicts outdoors recreation as very white. And though it doesn't bother me typically (I actually do consider myself a bit of a "whitewashed" POC, a result of my upbringing in the suburban midwest, and I don't mind being this way either), I still sometimes feel this deep-rooted loneliness when I am amongst people of my own ethnicity who never quite learned or developed the value of these hobbies. They just don't care, and they are at times dismissive of the importance of it to the people who do (almost painting it as selfish/a waste of time to want to take time to do outdoors trips because it takes time away from family time, or study/career time).

It's sad to say, but POC households, particularly immigrant-raised households (so all of us 1st gen kids) are not raised to value taking time to be athletic, outdoorsy, or in just in general doing activities that nurture us. Thus, a vast majority of us fall into being hyper-focused on career and family. And don't get me wrong–I am proud of how smart and capable 1st generation POC young adults are! I just…feel lonely sometimes.

And I wonder, do other people of color feel the same way? Want the family and friends of their own culture to see the value in what they do? Feel extremely lonely when they are partaking in outdoors recreation because you're still always going to be a minority no matter what? Feel unsupported by their own family/ethnic communities? Feel incompetent because you're learning new BASIC things like how to pitch a tent and secure a campsite for the first time because their house/parents never valued such things–subsequent shame when being around white people who have been doing these things since they were 10 (and praised and encouraged and nurtured into it!)

I am aware there is always nuance, by the way. I'm sure many people, regardless of race, grew up in households that don't value this stuff. Duh. But I definitely notice a trend in POC crowds–families, adults, even young adults, not really understanding the value and almost thinking its silly.

I'm happy I found the communities I did, and I still feel lonely in my outdoor journey nonetheless–both can exist at once. Knowing I found what makes my soul happy, but always empty with the knowledge that I'll be spending a good chunk of my life catching up and justifying it to the people I love the most and crave acceptance from. And simply just wanting to be accepted in groups even if I am a minority–wishing that finding likeminded friends was easier as an adult.

I hope someday it stops feeling this lonely. I'm only 3-ish year into being very serious about climbing and "big" hiking. I want to delve into backpacking and camping very soon next, and I have a whole journey of insecurity to go through.

Writing this out was a catharsis for myself and also an open invite to hear the answer to this question: Has anyone here experienced similar things as me? What helped (mental thoughts or physical actions to take)? How long does it take to feel confident and self-assured in the outdoors and not like the lonely singular POC figuring it out on their own while more experienced people get all the cool permits, experiences, and best views nonstop while you wistfully hope one day you'll be at their level?